Change
by britgirl2003
Summary: ONESHOT. How each pregnant test changes Kirsten's life


**Disclaimer:** I don't own The OC or its characters, etc.

**Summary:** how each pregnancy test changes Kirsten's life

* * *

Kirsten stared at the thin blue line, knowing that it would change everything.

Her heart sank in her chest and she had to catch her breath, biting her bottom lip to muffle the sob that came from her. The pregnancy test fell to the floor as she dropped her head into her hands. She squeezed her eyes shut, the world around her disappearing for a moment as she accepted the reality of what was going to happen.

In nine months' time, she would be a mother. It wasn't a picture that formed easily in her mind; but when she opened her eyes and saw that thin blue line staring up at her from the bathroom floor, she was reminded that she had made the biggest mistake of her life.

"Kirsten?" Jimmy's voice floated through the door.

Kirsten's head jerked up, watching as the door handle was pushed down. There was a soft thud as Jimmy tried to push the door open, stopped by the solid lock.

Kirsten let out the breath that she had been holding, relieved that he couldn't get in.

"Is everything ok?"

Kirsten closed her eyes. "Yeah, just…just too much sun." She hated to lie to him.

There was a pause and she felt her heart stop beating as she waited for his response.

"Ok, well I've gotta get home. I'll see you at the diner later?" he asked, accepting her lie.

"Yeah, sure."

She heard him walk across her bedroom and the sound of the door closing behind him. Kirsten stood up slowly, walking over to the mirror. She looked at the reflection that met her, her eyes immediately drawn to the bold letters emblazoned on her sweater. USC.

Kirsten's life was already mapped out: she was going to the University of Southern California with her boyfriend to study Art History, before returning home to Newport where her life would be filled with charity functions and party planning. Children would follow, naturally, but not now. There were so many things that she wanted to do, so many places she wanted to discover.

Her eyes lifted and she studied the face that looked back at her. She couldn't have a baby, she just _couldn't_.

Kirsten sighed, knowing that there was only one solution to her problem.

_She wouldn't be the first girl at school to have an abortion,_ she reasoned. _It was the best for both of them; they were too young, they weren't ready._

There was a private clinic on the outskirts of Newport. She had enough savings to pay for it without anyone finding out. Not her father, not her mother and especially not Jimmy. She knew he wouldn't understand and would try to change her mind. But this was something she _had _to do. So it would be _her_ secret and she resolved that it would stay a secret forever.

Her heart sank as she realised what that meant. She couldn't spend every day of her life looking into the eyes of the man whose child she had aborted.

Kirsten thought about the letters that had been stuffed in her drawer; including an acceptance letters from Berkeley among others. She had only chosen USC to be with Jimmy and she had needed a phone call from her father for her late application to be accepted. But now she would go to Berkeley and start again – on her own. She had to tell Jimmy it was over.

That thin blue line was going to change her life forever.

* * *

Kirsten stared at the thin blue line, knowing that it would change everything.

She couldn't help but smile, picturing her husband's reaction in her head. She knew he would be happy. They had spoken about starting a family of their own, but she hadn't expected it to happen so quickly.

It had been four years since Kirsten had left Newport and she hadn't looked back. Berkeley had been a revelation. Since her first day, since leaving behind Newport and all the expectations that had once weighed down on her, Kirsten had rediscovered herself. She was more relaxed now, able to be who she really was instead of playing the role that was expected of her.

Within a month, she had met Sandy Cohen – the man who had turned her world upside down and inside out. He was two years older than her, a law student who wanted to change the world. He had changed _her_ world. He was smart and passionate and being with him had been a rollercoaster. He challenged her the way no-one ever had; sometimes he drove her crazy with his stubbornness but he also made her laugh more than anyone.

Her father didn't like him; his mother didn't like her. To an outsider, they were an odd match; but in _their _world, in _their _bubble, it worked. They lived in a modest house in Berkeley; Sandy was working hard at the Public Defender's office while Kirsten worked as a curator at a local art museum. They didn't have the fancy cars or the McMansions that Kirsten had grown up with, but they had everything they wanted – especially now that they were going to be parents.

Kirsten heard the front door and Sandy's voice call out for her.

"In here," she called from the bathroom.

In a few moments, Sandy's head appeared round the door. "Hey baby," he greeted her.

Kirsten smiled at him from her seat on the edge of the bath. "Hey."

Sandy noticed her serenity and frowned, wrinkles creasing his already furrowed brow. "Everything ok?"

Kirsten continued to smile and nodded. She held out her hand, urging him closer. Sandy took it and she pulled him to sitting next to her. Silently, she passed him the pregnancy test. Sandy saw the thin blue line glaring up at him and his eyes filled with hope, lifting his head towards Kirsten.

"We're going to have a baby?" he questioned.

"We're going to have a baby," Kirsten confirmed.

Sandy whooped with joy, jumping from his seat and pulling Kirsten with him. She laughed in his ear as he picked her up, twirling her around as he hugged her tightly.

"We're going to have a baby," he murmured.

Kirsten tightened her grip around his neck, burying her face in his neck and inhaling the smell of his aftershave. "I love you."

"Oh baby, I love you too," Sandy said, dropping her gently to the floor and cupping her face to embrace her with a kiss.

They stood for a moment as they contemplated what it meant.

"We need to start planning," Sandy said suddenly, letting go of Kirsten and dashing out of the bathroom.

Amused at his outburst, Kirsten followed him down the hallway and into the spare bedroom.

"We need to decorate – neutral colours to suit a girl or a boy. Unless we're going to find out the sex…are we? Maybe we should find out, it would make it easier to plan. Unless you want it to be a surprise? It would be a nice surprise. I think it's going to be a boy anyway," Sandy barely paused for breath. "The house! We have to start baby-proofing the house. Locks on the cupboards and a fireguard and…"

"Sandy?" Kirsten tried to interrupt to no avail.

"We're going to need clothes and diapers and toys…"

"Sandy?"

"…and a crib and baby monitors…"

"_Sandy!_"

Sandy's head jerked up as Kirsten yelled at him. "What's wrong?"

"Sandy, we have another eight months to figure all this stuff out," Kirsten soothed, her tone calming her over-excited husband. "Don't you think we should start by telling our parents?"

"Right, you're right," Sandy agreed.

There was a slight pause as they both predicted their parents' reactions. They knew their news would get a lacklustre response, just like their marriage had received.

"I'll call my mom first?" it was phrased as a question as Sandy offered to take on the force of Sophie Cohen.

Kirsten nodded, grateful that she could put off speaking to her father just a little while longer. At least her mother would be pleased, she thought.

Sandy dropped a kiss on her cheek before leaving her alone in the empty bedroom. Despite his overzealous ramblings, Kirsten knew that Sandy was right, there was a lot that had to be done. In eight months time, they would have a child to look after. It wouldn't just be _Sandy and Kirsten_ any more: it would be _Sandy and Kirsten, plus one_. She was going to be a mother; she was going to be responsible for another person, who would depend on her and need her, and who would always come first from then on. Kirsten took a deep breath.

That thin blue line was going to change her life forever.

* * *

Kirsten stared at the empty space where the thin blue line should appear.

It was the fourth test she had taken in the last six months and this one, just like all the others, was negative. She dropped the test in the bin despondently and rested her hands on the basin, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes glazed over as her eighteen-year-old self stared back at her, mascara smudged across her cheeks from the desperate tears she had cried.

That day six years ago still haunted her at times, more so recently as she and Sandy tried for another baby. Kirsten closed her eyes, a shiver running down her spine. She still remembered the way her hands had shaken as she took the test from its packet and the feeling of dread as she counted 120 seconds, waiting for a thin blue line to appear; she remembered the sinking feeling in her heart as it appeared, faint at first and slowly becoming stronger to confirm her worst nightmare; she heard the quiver in her voice as she called the abortion clinic and made her appointment; she remembered the feeling of nausea as she stood outside the clinic, trying desperately to muster the courage to go inside; she remembered the harsh smell of antiseptic that lingered in the waiting room and the soft music that played from the radio; she remembered the empty feeling inside of her as she lay on the bed after the procedure, a mixture of relief and sadness running through her.

Kirsten's hand moved to her stomach now and rubbed it slowly, that feeling of emptiness returning once more.

_What if it was her fault somehow? What if the abortion was causing her infertility now? What if this was karma coming back to bite her in the ass?_

A noise from the nursery distracted her and she wandered down the hallway. Seth had woken from his nap and was now sat up in his crib, Superman's soft head in his mouth. Black curls covered his head, his bright blue eyes peering up at her. Kirsten picked him up, inhaling the sweet scent that all babies seemed to carry. He gurgled as his small hands grabbed at Kirsten's blonde hair.

"What are we going to tell daddy, huh?" Kirsten murmured.

She knew that Sandy would be disappointed too. He was desperate for another addition to the Cohen family. She had never spoken of her abortion, not even to Sandy. She blamed timing, claiming that the right moment had never arisen. Truthfully, she didn't want to see the look she knew that Sandy would have in his eyes if he learnt the truth.

She wandered downstairs with Seth in her arms and set him down in his playpen. She watched him for a while as he clambered around on his hands and feet. He had an inquisitive nature and Kirsten knew already that he was his father's son.

The shrill of the telephone echoed round the house.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby," Sandy's voice rang down the phone.

"Hey," Kirsten said, the sound of his voice bringing her out of her daydream. "How's work?"

"Busy. I don't think I'm going to get home until late," Sandy said apologetically. "I'm sorry, baby."

It wasn't the first time that Sandy had been stuck at the office until late. His work as a Public Defender was important to him and she admired his passion, even if it did encroach on their personal life. But she hated being left alone in the house for so long, craving the company of someone other than an eighteen-month-old child.

"It's ok," she lied.

"How's Seth?" Sandy changed the subject, hearing the disappointment in her voice.

"He's fine. He just woke up from a nap," Kirsten answered. She wandered over to the playpen and lowered the telephone to Seth's ear, a practice that they had adopted whenever Sandy couldn't get home in time to put his son to bed.

She watched as Seth's face lit up at the sound of his father's voice and then the look of confusion as he realised that the sound was coming from the white plastic held next to him rather than the usual form of his father. Kirsten heard the low tone of Sandy's voice talking to his son, only pulling it away when Seth decided that he wanted to discover what the white plastic would taste like.

"Sandy, I think he's hungry," Kirsten laughed down the phone. "I think I should feed him before he eats something he shouldn't."

"Ok," Sandy agreed, amused by his son's antics. "Did you…did you take a test today?"

It was the question that Kirsten had been hoping he wouldn't ask – but of course he did.

"Yes," Kirsten answered slowly. "It was negative. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Sandy soothed her. The words sent a wave of guilt through her. "I guess we'll just have to keep trying."

His disappointment was obvious.

"Yeah," Kirsten agreed. She heard someone calling for Sandy in the background. "You sound busy, you should go."

"I'll call again before Seth goes down tonight, ok?" Sandy said.

"Ok. Bye."

"I love you," Sandy added. "Bye."

Kirsten hung up the telephone, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. She picked up Seth from his playpen.

"Da-da," he stuttered, pointing loosely at the telephone receiver.

Kirsten smiled. "That's right. Daddy."

Seth giggled and dropped his head onto her shoulder, hiding his face. Kirsten lifted him in front of her, planting a kiss on his cheek. He giggled again, wriggling in her arms. She pulled him into her body, hugging him tightly.

_It's not your fault._

But what if it was?

* * *

Kirsten stared at the thin blue line, knowing that it would change everything.

She hadn't believed the doctor's results. She couldn't be pregnant, not when she was getting ready to celebrate her 40th birthday. But instead of telling her that she was right to be suspicious, the pregnancy test she now held in her hands only told her it was true. She was going to be a mother again.

'_So much for an empty nest,'_ she thought.

For the past few months, she and Sandy had been preparing for the boys to go to college. Kirsten hadn't been looking forward to a quiet house, which would seem so much bigger without Seth and Ryan around. There had been plenty of distractions recently to stop her from thinking about it, but as the summer approached, Kirsten had known that the day when her sons would leave home would soon arrive.

Now she wished that those fears were the only ones she had to deal with.

She felt butterflies in her stomach as she thought about becoming a mother again. It had been nineteen years since she had looked after a newborn baby.

_Would she remember how to do it?_

Kirsten thought about everything she had gone through the first time: the feeding, the changing, the bathing; the late nights and early mornings; the lack of sleep. She remembered the overwhelming feeling of anxiety she had felt for the first few years of Seth's life as she worried constantly about him. The responsibility of being a mother had weighed down on her and it had only been Sandy's calming effect that had stopped her from having some kind of breakdown.

Nineteen years later, that anxiety had not been quelled.

She thought about Seth and how lonely he had been as a child. She knew she had played a part in that. It had been her decision to stay in Newport, yet she had tried to protect Seth from the society that she had grown up in. But all she had achieved was to alienate him from those around him and she had spent years fighting his resentment.

She thought about Ryan and all the things he had already experienced in his short life. So many times she had wished she could change his past – that she could take away all the bad things that had happened to him – but she couldn't, and it made her feel helpless.

She thought about Marissa and how no-one could have saved her.

She pressed her hand against her belly and wondered how she could protect her new child from a similar fate.

Needing air, Kirsten rose from her seat in the bathroom and wandered into her bedroom. She paused and looked around. It was meticulously tidy, just as it always was; but she knew that in nine months time, it would be littered with baby clothes and diapers.

She went out into the back yard, her eyes immediately drawn to the pool and she noted that they would need to keep it covered from now on. She perched on one of the chairs and looked out at the sea. Amongst all the thoughts that were crowding her mind, there was one that weighed heavier than the rest: her drinking.

It was something that was always going to be with her; a demon she would always fight, a weakness she would always have. She had put her family through so much already – their lives forgotten as she had become so preoccupied with her own; a summer in rehab when they were reeling from Trey's shooting; her relapse last year; and her daily struggle to get by without reaching for that bottle. It was easier now than it ever had been. She was a much stronger person, on her own and as a member of the Cohen clan…but. There would always be a _'but'_ because she would always fear that something would cause her relapse again. She didn't want the small person growing inside of her to be that reason.

A cool spring breeze enveloped her and Kirsten shivered. She stood up, seeking the safe haven of the kitchen.

She wandered over to the refrigerator, craving comfort food. As she reached for the handle, she noticed the infamous Chrismukkah photo which had decorated the kitchen for so long. She looked at the happy faces smiling back at her and she smiled herself, a small sigh of relief escaping from her. Yes, they had been through so much together but they had always come through it. For every battle she faced, for every struggle she had to overcome, she would always do it with the support of her family. The child she was carrying would be lucky to be born into her family, with a father like Sandy and brothers like Seth and Ryan.

The clock on the kitchen wall rang 5pm. Sandy had made plans to celebrate her birthday and she was expecting him home any moment. She knew he would share her surprise, but would he be happy? She thought about Seth and Ryan, and wondered how they would react to the news. Would Seth be grossed out by the thought of his parents procreating? Would Ryan feel insecure at the addition of another Cohen?

They were answers which she would get in only a few hours. Her hand rubbed her belly once again.

That thin blue line was going to change her life forever.


End file.
